OPS Newsletters
What parent can forget tightening a seatbelt and controlling the white-knuckled urge to grab the wheel from a 15-year-old first learning to drive? What parent hasn't shouted drill-sergeant directives to convey all the wisdom gained from his/her own experience on the road? We understand that to become a good driver our child needs direct experience behind the wheel, yet it's hard to let go of the wheel. The parent's quandary - knowing when to intervene and when to let experience teach its powerful, sometimes painful life lessons - continues beyond driver's education, when the first child goes to college.
Dr. Murray Bowen, family system theorist and therapist, developed the concept of differentiation to describe the family dynamic between autonomy and connectedness. Differentiation reflects the extent to which one thinks and responds objectively to emotionally-charged family issues. In The Expanded Family Cycle: Individual, Family, and Social Perspective, Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick note that differentiation is taking place when individuals "are able to distinguish between thinking and feeling and are able to think, plan, know and follow their own beliefs and self-directed life course, rather than living reactively to the cues of those close to them. It encourages one to be connected to others without the need to defend one's self or attack the other."
Differentiation is often times misunderstood to be self-determination alone, as illustrated, for instance, by the case of a son or daughter deciding to work abroad without soliciting their parents input. However, differentiation gives equal weight to both independence and inter-dependence. If family members are over-connected they experience a sense of "stuck togetherness" missing opportunities to develop independent decision making skills. If family members cut off and withdraw, either physically or emotionally to escape the intensity of a hot issue, there is yet another missed developmental opportunity to learn how to negotiate.
To see how differentiation works in a family launching two young adult children, consider the (fictionalized) Lee family. Tim's sister, two years his senior, was accepted into dental school, putting pressure on Tim. The parents' expectation was for their son to go to medical school. While he had great respect for his parents, Tim did not want to become a physician.
Low science grades confirmed that Tim was not a competitive medical school candidate. He spent time reviewing his experience, assessing interests, articulating values, and researching various professions. His study abroad experience was transformative in his learning about the impact of the AIDS epidemic. Earning high grades in public policy and sociology, Tim found the political implications of disease to be compelling. After an investment of time and thought, Tim decided to pursue a Masters of Public Health (MPH), which combined his interest in public policy and passion for international health.
After completing his graduate studies, Tim went on to work as a Policy Analyst for an International AIDS prevention organization. His parents grew to appreciate and value his chosen profession where preventing disease was central to its mission. Tim was able to think about, plan for, and follow his chosen course and remain connected to his family.
Tim did not become a physician as his parents originally planned. His decision to pursue a career in public health was informed by many factors which included parental influence. While Tim's parents could not make his career decision for him, they did have great influence on the process. Numerous studies (Knowles, 1998; Marjoribanks, 1997; and Mau and Bikos, 2000) have found that young adults consider their parents as having an important influence on their career choice.
Lessons learned from teaching children how to drive still apply when launching young adults. Tighten your seatbelt, control the urge to grab the wheel, share lessons learned on the road, trust in your child's ability to become self-directed, and hang on for the ride of your lives!